Why I almost quit breastfeeding.

Do you ever have moments of rash thoughts or behavior?

Call it impulsive, spur-of-the-moment.

I have them about once every other second.

Which is part of the reason why I work so hard at self-control. I'm constantly trying to reign in all my impulses, which can quickly get out of control, if left unchecked.

Here's a perfect example.

I woke up Saturday morning in an ornery mood.

Maybe it's the fact that we're only 2 weeks away from getting Joseph's bar exam results, and thereby securing our financial future, or not (if he doesn't pass).

Maybe it was because I had a cold all week, then Joseph got it, and both of us were a little lackluster. Housework piled up like so many noxious weeds in the front yard flower bed.

I don't know, whatever it was, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

And I decided, I was through with breastfeeding. I wanted to be done with it. Right then.

Salem is 14 months now.

I nursed all my kids for at least a year (Hyrum 12 months, Asher 14, & Mali, 17).

I've always thought it would be ideal if I could say I nursed one of my kids until 18 months. Completely arbitrary, I know.

I'm well aware of the benefits of nursing, and I think here in the U.S., our culture doesn't foster enough for support for mom's to nurse longer than 12 months.

The benefits of breast milk don't go away once a child turns a year. There is nothing magical about turning 12 months. They are still growing and developing, and can benefit from breast milk.

Trouble is, breast feeding can be a bit of burden.

Sure, it's bonding time, and there are all sorts of perks from that, but it requires more time and effort, and after awhile you're ready to be done because as long as you are nursing, your body is not entirely back to "normal."

The WHO (World Health Organization) recommends nursing until the age of 2. The U.S. recommendations are half that (until one year).

All of these issues were running through my mind as the thought of being done with nursing deliciously planted itself in my brain. I want freedom! I want to not be nursing or pregnant for awhile (is that too much to ask?!).

I further thought of all the reasons why Salem is ready to be done--she is still nursing several times a day (4-6 times), but she has 4 teeth, & more on the way. She's interested in and likes food.

She's not that attached to nursing, I told myself.

Plus, I am done.

I want my body back, I've had enough of sharing it with 4 kids. I've had very little personal space, what with being pregnant or nursing, or sometimes both, in the past (almost) 8 years.

I deserve a little break, don't I?

I told Joseph I was done, and decided that despite the "experts" advice to wean slowly, I was going to get this done & over with.

My plan? I'd just wait until I was so full of milk until I could hardly stand it, then I'd feed Salem, and repeat the process. Over a few days, I'd drain my milk supply by ratcheting down the amount of feedings, and within a few days--FREEDOM!

(Why is that these rash plans sound so great in the moment, but in retrospect, are clearly nonsensical?)

My brilliant plan lasted all but a few hours.

In that short time, Salem demonstrated that she did, in fact, very much enjoy nursing and expect me to nurse her.

I didn't really notice this before, but she communicates when she wants me to feed her, and gets excited when I do. You know, tugging at my shirt, batting at my chest, saying "baby," when she wants me to feed her.

Also, my body is a milk-producing machine. Who am I kidding? There's no way I'd be able to wean nearly overnight. Within a few hours I am noticeably full with milk. If I miss a feeding, I am uncomfortable and frantically looking for my baby or a pump.

In a matter of hours, my concrete resolve to be through with nursing, melted away.

I suppose Salem is not ready to be done. At least not this week, or even this month.

So what if I have moments where I really am not crazy about nursing? They are momentary and fleeting.

And it is true, every kid is different (I did not have this experience with my boys, who joyfully weaned themselves at 12 months, and 14 months respectively), and there is no rush.

So, I've decided I'm going to continue to nurse Salem as I have been, and let her decide when she's ready to be done. I trust that that will happen before she's 2. I anticipate that she'll be ready to wean much sooner than that. I (have to) trust the process, which I think is a natural one.

As for the rash thoughts?

Chalk it up to a bad week, that sudden desire to quit nursing has come and gone, like so many irrational impulses before it.

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How long do you breast feed your babies? Are there moments when you want to quit? Why(or why not) do you (dis)continue?

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